These God Damn Lothario Men

As a teacher, I’ve spent the last ten years drilling two very important things into my students. Respect for self and a sense of responsibility and accountability. In today’s very lax world, these seem to be things that our young people lack. However, the more I look around me, my peers and cohorts are really no better. I’m alternately fascinated and sickened by the lack of respect that I see out there in the world. There is a lack of respect for self which we see in so many ways. There is the rampant abuse of the body seen with drug abuse, multiple and serial sexual partners not to mention alcohol and cigarettes. Then there is the abuse of psyche, which to me is even worse that the physical abuse. You can stop drinking and try and recover from the physical ill effects of the abuse, but when you abuse or allow someone else to abuse your psyche , then that often takes years to repair.

Let me elaborate. There is a certain gentleman of my acquaintance who’s the basis of this discussion and the damage that I see him inflict just pisses me off, all because he needs to stroke his ego and feel better about his silly little life. When I first met him, some 18 years ago, I thought he was funny and charming but within a few months, I realized that his charm was more than a little tarnished. So lately, when I realize that his charm is just as tarnished and his maturity level is still somewhere at the 4th form or 10th grade level, I just get aggravated. But his charm has allowed him to worm his way past seemingly intelligent women’s defenses and plunder their self-respect. I don’t know what deficiencies make them fall for him, but his ability to prey on these women and take advantage of them just continues to make my teeth grind. Mayhap I should refer them to my earlier rants….Where’s the Pride and Finding the Pride.

Let’s take some of these fly by night, neer-do-well men types that are out there. And please note that these men come in all shapes and forms. When we see these derogatory terms, we think of some slight, shifty guy that you can see coming a mile away and warn the girls away from. Unfortunately, these men are more often than not more like sheep in wolf’s clothing. They are good-looking, well-educated, financially well-heeled with the morals of an alley cat and about as much moral fibre of a well eaten mango seed. Am I annoyed? You betcha! I’m just sick and tired of these men who just show no respect for anyone or anything. They think it’s their due to flit from woman to woman like some pollinating bumble bee and then have the nerve to talk about their exploits to anyone within a 20 mile radius. You would a tink seh a me just get bun, but me dis bringle right now. As for the women who accommodate this behavior…don’t even get me started there….anyhoooo…..let’s move on.

I’ve always theorized that it doesn’t take that much skill to sleep with several women here and there and have it be on okay experience. It however, takes much more imagination, stamina and inventiveness to sleep with one woman for many years and still keep it fresh. So what happens when we move Mr. Lothario from his working arena of the bedroom? Answer: Not much. Often when one actually sits down and talks with these men, you realize they are as shallow as a saucer, with an intellect that’s just slightly above imbecile. You know the type – one chromosome away from being a potato. And if you want to be able to spot this guy – just look for the one who’s always talking. You know why he’s always talking? It’s because if he keeps talking then no-one can ask him a question. Because he knows just how inconsequential he is and if he figures that if he can keep talking then no-one will recognize that he’s all surface with no substance. Ooohhhh, I’m so mad and I know I need to chill out, but I can’t right now…just too pissed off.

What I can’t fathom is why women flock to this yokel – okay, let me call him what I’d really like to…this jackass? What is it about him that makes him seem like the desirable sort. One of my guy friends who just recently got into a great relationship asked me why is it that all of a sudden women are hitting on him. I had to explain to him that most women are looking for a “good man” and when you’ve been snatched up by someone else, that is essentially the stamp of approval. Also, men in committed relationships just appear to be settled, content and not out to “snare” the next woman out there and most women can sense this. It’s an extremely attractive trait and when a woman sees this, it indicates to her that this guy is worth considering. Unfortunately, he’s already off the market, so lady really needs to go set her man trap elsewhere. But this is so not the profile of this numbskull – so what makes him so sustainably attractive?

But then there’s the guy who’s over 35 and still on the shelf. What you need to look at with this guy is how many of his ex-girlfriends have gone on to get married. It is just one or two or a significant number? That is usually your first cue that something is radically wrong with this person and should be your cue to do what Iyanla Vanzant told us to do ten years ago…”when you see crazy coming…then cross the street.” Don’t go to investigate because this loser has one main thing going for him – charm. He has it in droves and knows how to use it to attract women to his side, only to leave them in a wake of flotsam when he flits to yet another flower. This is why it’s critical that women have some self-respect so that they can spot this idiot and not only steer clear of him, but tell him in no uncertain terms just how lacking he is in anything that you would possibly need in a man – because I can guarantee that while he can probably provide you with some glitz and glamour and a modicum of financial stability – that’s all you’ll be getting. He will not be able to give you emotional support because that requires him to be emotionally mature and that is not something that he’s never developed.

He will be sleeping with other women because he doesn’t have the ability to stop – he needs that in order to validate his manhood. And check to see if there have ever been in married women in his life. Because this is a clear indicator about how sacred he considers matrimony. A man who’s willing to seduce and or sleep with a married woman is a man who has no respect for the marriage, the wife, her husband or her children. I was once having a conversation with a friend about a situation such as this and I made the comment that these men who choose to be with married women are playing a dangerous game. This is how some men end up in car trunks with their necks sliced. Husbands take a very proprietary approach to their wives and see these poachers as people to be disposed of. So to dally in this game is to take your life literally into your own hands. I think the thing that aggravates me most about these individuals are their total lack of accountability and responsibility for their actions. It’s almost as if they feel it’s okay to just walk around and behave without any impunity for how their actions actually affect other people.

Unfortunately, it seems that some women are caught up in the partying and social whirl and the “stuff” that he can acquire for them. Then after the big wedding and a few children, they suddenly realize that they are not the only lady on his dance card. To top it off, they now realize they can’t have a sensible conversation with him because he’s intellectually devoid of anything worthwhile; and forget asking him to be some sort of emotional support because he’s emotionally bankrupt. These women then either sit in this wasteland of a marriage, seek refuge with some other man, or smartly decide to exit stage left. They then look back at the last years they’ve wasted and wondered how they got there. But what happened is that what appealed to them at 25 could no longer sustain them at age 35. They needed more and he simply didn’t have it to give.

Whooosaaaaahhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! But I promised a friend of mine, that I would control myself in my rant and please note I do know that this is a rant – but I was just so angry that I had to say SOMETHING.

So how's that working for you

The first time I heard Dr. Phil say these words, I thought he was the most self rightous pompous ass I'd ever heard. But as the years have gone by, I realize this is the most essential question you can ask anyone who's on the brink of making any major decision or stuck at a place that they don't care for. It really cuts to the heart and meat of the matter. I've adopted this question as part of my workign arsenal, but more importantly, it's now an essential part of my person cadre of thought provoking questions. Everytime I feel like I'm at a crossroads, I stop and ask myself two questions

Is your current course of action taking you to where you'd lik to be

And, how's your current course of action working for you

I've found that if you are honest with yourself, these two questions will invariably lead you to the right decision even if it's not the easy decision, the popular decision or the simple answer. Pragmatism means understanding that nothing is life is simply and that everything has a flipside which at some point, you will not only have to accept but also deal with.

Years ago, I realized that my purpose in life is to be a conduit to and for others. It was a hard place for me because I thought that everyone in my life was my friend and it took me 25 long hard years to realize that sometimes my sole purpose in someone's life was to teach them something, give them something or for them to impart somethign to me. Once I learned that lesson, life became so much simpler.

In the last two years, I've come to yet another realization - you have to be very careful of the people you surround yourself with and just what kind of energy you are allowing to permeate your space. Some people give you some of the best energy you can ever hope to be a part of. Others are so negative that they drain the very life force out of you. Then there is that very special group - the group who desperately need to have positive energy in their lives and live under the misguided notion that they are in face basking in this positive energy yet everything about them screams "help me" - I need to be swamped by the light. These are the hardest for me because I desperately want to help them but I realize that in helping them I bring myself dangerously close the the cesspool of negativity.

So my solution is to resort to my time honored solution. Whenever I realize that I'm on the verge of being sucked into the vortex of their negativity, I simply remove myself slightly out of range and then look disspassionately back ont he situation and then turn the question back to the person and ask them those all important two questions. My hope is that they'll take a good long look at themselves and realize that they are the greatest stumbling block to their own success.

Farewell to 2008

This has been an interesting year for me. The year started with me deciding to make some radical changes to my life. I was going to lose weight come hell or highwater and if that meant making drastic changes, then that was exactly what I planned to do. That was going well. I also thought my professional life was going well, but that derailed by the middle of the year and I've been fighting a battle on that front. I see some light at the end of the tunnel on that front and I'm curious to see what 2009 will bring - excuses will no longer be tolerated so people will either have to put up or shut up.

It's been a year of some financial challenges but I'm hoping that 2009 will fix those issues and that we'll life our heads above water and feel at least half way prosperous. It was also a year of loss as my uncle passed away and yet again I'm faced with some family issues that really need to see the light of day but that are left buried under rocks that does nothing to bring health or healing to an ailing situation, but I'm but one person and sometimes you just have to know when to admit defeat on certain fronts.

Politics was exciting as the country finally found it moral fibre and a modicum of common sense and elected the most qualifed man into the office of the President. the fact that the country made history by electing a black man and allowing the world to realize that the US is not as stupid as it seems was the icing on the cake.

I embarked upon a new phase in my life as I returned to being a student and seeking to expand my educational horizons....

I look forward to 2009 - I have many plans for this year and what I plan to accomplish.

- I will continue to be a student and to strive for excellence.
- I will meet my weight goal and create a plan to maintain it.
- I will continue my exercise regimen and become a strong healthier woman.
- I will continue to work with my boom boom to make him the best he can be.
- I will strive to make my marriage a solid one and a haven from life's ills.
- I will realize that there is only so much I control and accept it.
- I will see more of the world and share it with my family.

I will remember to thank God for all he has blessed me with and strive to live each day as he dictates.

The Real Wives of HOTLANTA

Okay, now yet again I'm embarassed to be a black woman. These women are just some of the most fake and superficial people I've ever had to watch on TV. I'm hoping to God that they are acting this way for ratings and that this is not close to their actual personalities. Now I have no ojection to liking designer duds but to use that as the basis of your self worth is just pathetic. I'm watching these women and I can understand why when their husbands leave, they commit suicide. One of them (this sheree character) has been going through a divorce for the last 3 years and is planning on getting a 7 figure settlement. Her only redeeming factor is that she's trying to start a business.

I know that Atlanta is a rich black mecca but I was hopign that having achieved these tiers of success that they really wouldn't behave like thier white counterparts. I was really hoping that as a race, we could elevate ourselves above the petty and the silly and actually stand for soemthing. These women just annoy me. The only one I really have any respect for is the bi-racial chick who's a real estate agent. She's married to a baller but she out there hustling like mad to make her own. We watched her sell a mansion and get her $200K commission. Love her! A woman after my own heart. These heifers who are living off their men just make me sick.

The New Generation

I was born in 1970 so I'm part of Generation X - the generation they referred to as teh apathetic generation. We are the Sesame Street Generation, we are the MTV generation and we are also the generation that became techno geeks and techno savvy. But while all this was going on, we weren't really clued into the whole political scene. We are the generation that saw the end of aparteid, the first gulf war, the end of communism, the explosion of the AIDs epidemic and genocide across Europe and Africa. Yet for some reason, we were fairly silent. Now, however, as we move closer to middle age we aren't quite that quiet anymore. We are now denizens of buisness and part of the middle class who are watching our stock portfolios collapse and our 401k retirment plans plummet by 20K in the space of two weeks. Now we have found our voice...and not a minute too soon.

As an educator, however, what fills me with pride is the millenium generation. They ahve a voice and they are bellowing at the top of their lungs. They want an end to the war, for the world to use renewable fuel, to care about the environment, to treat all people equally. For the first time, there is a generation that is virtually color blind - they see people before they see color. they understand the political process - they know what the stakes are and are coming out in record numbers to voice their opinion. In a school of a little over 3000 students, two voter drives registered over 300 students - now that's progress!

They understand teh issues and ahve mobilized across college campuses in waves not seen since they riots to end the Vietnam war in the late 60s and early 70s. I am so proud and honored to be aroudn these aware and politically active students. Whenever I wonder why i do what I do for a living, I simply look around me on campus and see their eager and anticipating faces and it gives meaning to everything I do.

The good thing about rampant narcissism

You know it’s fascinating the lengths that some people will go to in order to feel better about themselves. In Jamaica, we have a saying about “flinging stone in hog pen and he who squeals the loudest then he’s the one who get hit.” I recently made a comment in passing that had my boss up in arms. I actually thought his reaction was funny because I recognized it for what it was. He claimed that he thought it was offensive, then he told someone else that it embarrassed him. In my mind, he felt this way because the comment was true. But be that as it may, he felt hurt. He’s a man, they have delicate egos, so I complied and apologized, all the while laughing hysterically in the back of my mind.

So to salve his ego, he’s trying to make me feel like I have personality defects that I need to alter. Really? You must think I was born behind and yesterday to boot. So what I did is what is all good communicators do. I simply moved the conversation to a place where I wanted it to go. You know what was amazing, watching his stupefecation as I quietly manouevered him to a place that worked for me. Now this is the person with the personality of a wet rag who thinks that he has a great personality and a great sense of humor. I just about fell off my chair when he said this. You know when they say that there are three of “us.”
- The person we think we are and would like to be.
- The person that other people see
- The actual person who we are

This poor soul has no connection with the person that others see and is governed only by who he things he is. Any wonder that I feel superior?

Are you for real?

So I'm listening to the news and they are interviewing a Jupiter Farms family who's feeling the monetary crunch. So I stop flipping the channels to listen to this story. The Dad is a firefighter and the Mom is stay at home Mom. They have 3 boys aged 1 to 4 with a fourth on the way. Now clearly at this point, my sympathy with their situation ends. How dumb can you be? Who the hell has 4 children in today's day and age and then goes on TV and takes about the crunch. Bloody idiots. Stop screwing and procreating and you'll realize that you'll probably have more money.

They make their own bread, grow their own vegetables, lease their horse to others and the children wear hand me downs. Now come next year, the eldest has to go to Kindergarten which is going to put quite a strain on the pocket - how do they plan to handle that. Now I know this is none of my business, but really how am I supposed to feel sympathy when they are acting with such reckless abandon.